Posted by: Gavin Lehmann | July 29, 2010

My cute little fluffy inner demons

So lets talk about me (and why not, this is my blog), me and my inner demons. Well, it’s less my inner demons, and more a lack of something, which is where my inner demons seem to thrive and have a jolly old time, well bully for them. Bastards.

Yes I’ve got MS, but screw it, I’ve had worse (well, maybe not, but go with me). I know that most of you would probably be of a different opinion. Surely having MS is the worst thing in the world, your life must be over, just crawl into bed and stay away from my children!

Easy grandma, it’s MS, you can’t catch it, and no, it isn’t the worst thing in the world. I can still walk, I’m still independent (well, as independent as a man can be) I have no pain, it’s generally just a slight inconvenience for me. Yes, others are worse, but then some are better, everyones different. Please read your reactionary Daily Mail drivel at the door. We’re not here to talk about my MS anyway, I just wanted to put things in a little perspective.

I am crippled with certain parts of my life though. Not in a physical sense, but more a mental one. That thing I mentioned earlier that was missing, something everyone needs in this life to function effectively. I’ve no idea  when I losy my Self Belief, I know I’ve had it in brief moments, but it seems to go all too quickly. When it’s gone, self doubt just seems to fill the void. I’ve no idea how to get it back, but I know I need to do things differently.

I’m not going to find it again by just continuing down the current path, but it’s difficult to get out of this situation without it. I haven’t been in paid employment for nearly two years now, and without self belief I just end up rulling myself out of any opportunities that come up. ‘I won’t get that’, ‘I’m underqualified’, ‘my MS will stop me doing that’ or ‘they’ll hire other people’. All ridiculous reasons for not trying, if I don’t even try then that rules me out there and then. I frustrate myself sometimes, I really do.

Hope you’re rocking a bit more self belief than me, I’ll catch you on the flip side.

Gav xx


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